Blog #11: Fish Out of Water

You'd think that being in a holy place would put you at ease. Well it doesn't, atleast not for me. For me it just reignites distant memories.

I sat in the back on the wooden bench, watching as people made their way in. Families entered with children in hand. The occasional straggler made way through the doors as well.

Everyone dressed accordingly. They wore nice attire, but weren't overzealous with it. I was dressed in jeans and a shirt that no longer seemed appropriate.

People chatted comfortably as if they were long-time friends or neighbors. When the minister made his presence on stage, everyone quieted and focused solely on the speaker and hanging to his every word of truth. Some children sat impatiently, staring at the floor and dangling their legs. Others focused with the same intense concentration and intrigue as their parents.

He read the sermon, and people nodded in agreement with the occassional spoken "amen". They were convinced that these words were in fact truth. Despite the fact that he spoke conviction and the people were accepting of his message, I was dumbfounded. I had no comprehension of what he was trying to say, so I sat quietly in the back waiting for it to end.

Church and religion are difficult for me to accept provided a number of reasons. First, it reminds me of my grandparents who passed away. It reminds me of the grandfather who passed away the day before returning to school from winter break in elementary school. It forces me into memories of the sick grandmother who wasn't able to attend my graduation or attending church with her, praying to God that he would take away her sickness. Most of all it reminds me that these prayers were not answered.

For a long time I blamed God and I eventually lost my faith. It has become exceedingly difficult to accept religion, let alone to believe it. I no longer see religion and functionable in my life. Even if I wish to hear the message, it no longer makes sense to me.

It makes me uncomfortable to see people so reassured by the words of God, even when they're prayers go unanswered. I don't understand how people can invest so much faith into something they can't see, hear or touch.

I also don't understand the need for people to dress or behave in a certain way in a church simply because it is a place of God. Why do they feel the need to appear a certain way in the presence of others in one particular place if their God sees them at all times?

For these reasons, church and religion make no sense to me. Nor do I see myself seeking comfort in their establishments.